Dear Allison,
My life used to be on a trajectory very similar to the one yours took. I was raised as a Conservative Jew and, as a teenager, was enchanted by the spiritual and intellectual depth of Orthodox Judaism. My would-be journey was abruptly cut short, though, when I realized that I was gay, and that if I lived in an Orthodox community I would be forced to live as half a person -- alone without the love or intimacy of long-term commitment that is as essential to the soul as food and water are to the body. I chose love and intimacy in the secular world over spiritual death in the Orthodox world.
I am obviously not alone. Countless gay Jews have abandoned Orthodox Judaism because of its attitude towards homosexuality. And who can blame them? Would you remain Orthodox if the Torah prescribed you loneliness and celibacy? Would you remain in your community if it blessed and celebrated commitments between gay Jews while forbidding your love for your husband? When will the Orthodox world offer a sincerely empathetic response to the suffering of its gay members (not one that denies their existence or condemns them to misery)?
For me and every other gay person I know, these questions are inextricable from our (frequently negative) opinions of Orthodox Judaism.
Respectfully yours,
K.L.
Dear K.L.
Thank you for sharing your very personal story. You've asked many questions, but I think that the first issue that needs to be dealt with is how one reconciles the Torah's view of homosexuality with being an open-minded person living in the twenty-first century. It's something that I've wanted to address on this site for a while, so I appreciate that you've given me the opportunity to do so.
Since I'm going to be speaking about a subject which I've never personally experienced, I want to preface my response with the words of our sages, who remind us, "Do not judge your fellow until you are in his place." (Pirkei Avos)
That being said, the best response I have to God creating a person with a sexual and emotional desires that He forbids her to fulfill (in any way) is to remember that we live in a world where bad things happen to good people. Now why bad things happen to good people is a discussion in and of itself, and people spend entire lifetimes grappling with this difficult issue. (I will write more about this in a future post as there's only so much I can cover in one entry.)
Not only that, being created with a sexual/emotional desire that one can never fulfill creates two challenges - first, the living without and longing for that which you can never have, and second, the need to exhibit a tremendous amount of self-control.
Unfortunately, when it comes to people living without and longing for that which they can never have, this pain is not reserved only for people experiencing same-sex attraction who want to live in accordance with Jewish law. There are countless couples out there who experience infertility and spend years undergoing treatments, only to learn that giving birth to a child will never be possible. Every baby they see, every child running to his mother's arms, is a terrible reminder of the reality that can never be theirs. (I don't want to turn this into a contest of whose pain is greater - the infertile woman who longs for a child, or the halacha-abiding homosexual who will never experience the love or intimacy of long-term commitment - I just want to make the point that unfortunately there are many types of situations that cause people to live with deep pain due to something essential that they're missing.)
In terms of the challenge of controlling oneself sexually, or remaining celibate, as you put it, the Torah recognizes how difficult a feat this is. As we learn from the story of Joseph (the one with the coat of many colors), when his boss's wife, eishes Potiphar, tries to seduce him one day - an act, that had he given in to could have landed him into a heap of trouble - Joseph is only able to overcome the temptation when he sees a vision of his father's face. Remembering his father gives him the burst of strength he needs in order to resist, and from that day on, after overcoming a sexual temptation just one time, he is called Yosef haTzadik (Joseph, the righteous one) ever more.
And even so, the Torah expects many people (including, but not only homosexuals), to exhibit incredible amounts of self-control over their sexual desires. There are countless singles in the Orthodox world who date for years and years - some for decades and decades - all while never so much as touching a member of the opposite sex due to the laws of shomer negiah. Of course, unlike with homosexuals, these singles do have the possibility of eventually finding someone and getting married (which means that they can live with hope), but as the years go on and the prospects get slimmer and slimmer, many of them lose hope and give up.
Now, unlike with the case of the infertile couples who are powerless over their situation, some of these Orthodox singles, if they went out into the secular world, would be able to be find love or at least intimacy. Do some of them slip up from time to time or eventually throw in the towel and leave the fold completely? I'm sure some do. Can we blame them (or gay Jews), as you asked, for wanting to experience love and intimacy if they do so at the price of keeping halacha? Like I said at the beginning, we're not supposed to judge another until we've been in his place. We certainly can't condone doing things against the Torah, but that doesn't mean that it's our place to judge people in that situation either.
Would I, you asked, remain Orthodox if the Torah prescribed me loneliness and celibacy? Would I remain in this community if it blessed and celebrated commitments between gay Jews while forbidding my love for my husband? These are all fair questions, but it's a bit hard for me to imagine severing a relationship with a man that I married almost ten years ago and had three kids with, so I'll answer a different, but similar question.
What if I had realized that I was gay, like you did, as a teenager, after I discovered the beauty and wisdom of Torah Judaism? What would I have done then? Well, it's obviously hard for me to know for certain, but what I think I would have done, or at least hope I would have done, would be to stick with Torah Judaism nonetheless.
When I came to observant Judaism, I had a very nice life already. I had a close family, good friends, and lived a very comfortable upper-middle class life. I had basically everything one is supposed to have in order to be happy - and I was happy. I just knew that nothing I had was going to last. I understood, even as a child, that everything in life comes and goes until eventually life itself goes, and I wanted something more permanent to hold onto. Some bigger purpose for everything existing in the first place. I found that within a Torah observant lifestyle.
Not only did I find meaning in this way of life, as I started learning more about the illogical history of the Jewish people, the odds we've overcome and saw how Torah wisdom was incomparable to anything else I had ever experienced, I felt intellectually compelled to abide by Jewish law.
So if I would have chosen love and intimacy in the secular world over an Orthodox life (in this fake scenario we're discussing), I would have had my emotional and physical needs met, but my spirituality (and intellectual honesty) would have suffered. Having lived through years of panic attacks and insomnia (when my spirituality was suffering, in the pre-Torah days) I can tell you that it's not something that I would have wanted to return to.
So how would I have coped day-to-day? For one thing, I probably would have tried sexual re-orientation therapy. I don't know if it would have worked. I've read testimonials of people (whom I don't know) that have spoken about its effectiveness. I've also spoken to gays who haven't tried it themselves, but know someone who has, and they've told me that it's bogus. I really don't know if it works for some people or all people or no people, but I probably would have tried it in the hope that it would have worked for me.
If it didn't work for me, I would probably have tried my best to live single and celibate. I'm certain that such a life would have been a challenging one in many ways, probably torturous at times. I'm sure I would have had my moments where I felt resentful towards God and struggled in my relationship with Him, but struggling with God is in our national genes. From the moment Jacob wrestled with the angel in the book of Genesis and had his name changed toYisrael, meaning "he who struggles with God," the complexity of our relationship with the Almighty was set. I guess the bottom line is, whether I would have had my good days with God or my bad days, I believe that I would have wanted a life that included God no matter what.
In terms of "when the Orthodox world will offer a sincerely empathetic response to the suffering of its gay members" I agree that there needs to be more empathy and more awareness for the struggles of homosexuals, but honestly, there needs to be more empathy for the struggle of all people (older singles, infertile couples, etc.) who have a situation that's outside of the Orthodox norm.
Although improvements are still needed, I believe that there is more awareness and empathy now than ever before, and I hope with letters such as yours as well as other gay Jews telling their stories, that sensitivity and understanding will continue to increase and judgementalism will decrease.
However, that does not mean that Jewish law can change. Upholding Torah law and its values is the most basic tenet that Orthodox Jews live by. What I realized years ago, after I made the transition from Conservative Judaism to Orthodoxy, was that within the non-Orthodox movements, when it comes to the commandments that are harder for people to follow, the attitude seems to be that man is good enough the way he is and it's the Torah that needs changing. With Orthodoxy, it's the exact opposite. We say the Torah is good enough as is, (perfect, in fact) and it's man that must change.
Now when you mention that the Orthodox community needs to come to a point where they don't "deny the existence of gays," I assume you mean that you hope there'll be a day when gay couples can be openly gay and welcomed in Orthodox shuls.
I don't think this will ever happen and I don't think this should ever happen, but not because I want to "condemn gays to misery" but rather because being part of the Orthodox community means striving towards keeping the Torah in its entirety. Torah observance doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing deal and no one, in reality, is keeping every single law; but the attitude of a Torah committed Jew is to be working on it all. That means that what ever part of a person's life is at odds with halacha (and we all have something) it should be kept as a private struggle and not highlighted.
So if someone is still driving on the Sabbath and wants to be a part of an Orthodox synagogue, he's not going to park in the synagogue parking lot. He'll park nearby and walk the last little bit. That's an acknowledgement that driving on Shabbos is not considered ideal. Likewise, a person struggling with the laws of kosher would never bring a cheeseburger to services even if she's still eating them sometimes in her home because doing so just wouldn't be appropriate in a place where striving for complete Torah observance is expected.
Now I understand that one's sexuality is a lot more of a central issue to a person than a love of cheeseburgers or what day of the week he uses a car, and I don't want to minimize what a struggle this is since I get that being told to keep a major part of your life private sounds a lot like a rejection of who you are.
I guess the question that every gay Jew has to ask herself is: is she a homosexual who happens to be Jewish or is she a Jew who happens to have same sex attraction? Such a decision is a very personal one and can only be decided by each individual, but from the outside looking in, it seems to me that if one defined herself as a Jew first who happened to have been born with same sex attraction than those feelings would be less tied into her identity.
At the end of the day this is a very difficult issue with no easy answers. Because you directed questions at me, I conjectured about what I think I would have done in your situation, but lets not kid ourselves, it was nothing more than conjecture, I have no idea how I'd really respond in such a situation any more than I could tell you if I could survive the Holocaust and retain my faith and observance.
I tried to answer your letter with compassion as well as honesty, and though I stand firm about not going against what the Torah says, please know that I and many other open-minded Orthodox Jews do not sit in judgement for the decisions you've made. And I hope that, if you ever feel like increasing your Jewish observance again, you will be able to find a balance that you can live with and feel content with.
Wishing you only good things,
Allison
This is a beautiful post. I think you answered her questions with both honesty and sensitivity, which is something that’s difficult to achieve with such difficult topics. Although I am straight, I am struggling with the decision to pursue Torah Judaism, and I am grateful for this post which accentuates the point that everyone struggles with his or her relationship with G-d, and that I should embrace that struggle rather than feel like it’s something I need to fight against, or feel inadequate because of. Thank you.
Posted by Eden on May 7, 2010 at 12:49 am
You’re welcome, Eden. I’m happy to know this post helped you in a unrelated struggle.
Posted by Allison on May 7, 2010 at 12:51 am
I think you meant childless mother instead of motherless child. Tough topic!
Posted by Karen on May 7, 2010 at 12:53 am
Thanks for your attention to detail, Karen! You’re right that I didn’t mean motherless child, but now I realize that I shouldn’t have meant childless mother since that doesn’t actually make sense! I’ll change it to infertile woman longing for a child.
Posted by Allison on May 7, 2010 at 12:55 am
I can’t imagine a more perfect response to this difficult question. You answered her with sensitivity, clarity and intellect. Too bad she made her life altering decision to leave the fold before you had a chance to reach her. Keep up your amazing work!!
Posted by swissyankee on May 7, 2010 at 1:08 am
Thanks for your kind words, swissyankee, but even the most sensitively, logically written response doesn’t take away the struggle this woman would have to face if she ever decided to return; so while I wanted to let her know that many of us really do care, the myriad other challenges still remain. And in terms of her “leaving the fold” before I wrote my letter, the fold has a revolving door, and anyone at any time can choose to come back in any capacity.
Posted by Allison on May 7, 2010 at 1:10 am
I have to say, although it’s obvious you tried to handle this question tactfully, you really missed the mark. As a therapist I would never encourage anyone to try sexual re-orientation therapy. This is a despicable practice with no medical or scientific basis and only causes more harm than good. The Torah does not say it’s a sin to be gay, only to act on it and I believe only speaks to male relationships — so to be technical, I “think” being a lesbian is not actually prohibited in the Torah. That being said, it would be nice if modern day Orthodoxy could accept that being gay is biological, and not a choice and that everyone deserves a chance at a partnership. Have you ever watched “Trembling Before Gd”? Most of the gay couples featured are far more observant than I am.
Posted by balebusta on May 7, 2010 at 2:14 am
I’m sorry you think I missed the mark, balebusta. Sexual re-orientation therapy was only one of many things I mentioned and certainly not the focus of the message. Also, if you’ll re-read my response, you’ll notice that I wasn’t encouraging the question asker to do anything, I was simply answering how I think I would handle such a situation if I had been born into it since she asked me. Also, I’m sure you have your reasons for feeling so negatively about sexual re-orientation therapy – I imagine you’ve come accross a number of people who it was detrimental for – but surely you can’t speak for every person who’s ever tried it. As I clearly stated in my post, I don’t know if it works for some people, all people, or no people.
You’re correct that the Torah does not say that it’s a sin to have SSA as the prohibition is only in the action. You’re also correct that the Torah only speaks about male homosexual sex, but lesbian sex is prohibited rabbinically, so while it does not have the *same* level of severity as a Torah law, it’s still a real law. It would be equivilent to eating chicken parmesean, as mixing chicken and dairy are only rabbinically prohibited. Eating chicken parm does not have the same severity as eating a cheeseburger, but it’s not kosher either.
In terms of modern day Orthodoxy accepting that being gay is biological, the root of the desire is not the concern of Orthodoxy because as you said yourself, the desire is not a problem, only the action is. The only question that Orthodoxy is concerned with is is it possible to overcome a natural inclination (no matter what its root cause) and sexual desires certainly *can* be overcome, especially if one takes pains to avoid compromising situations in the first place.
As I mentioned in my response, countless straight Orthodox singles face the same day to day challenges of keeping themselves out of situations where they could slip up. And some do slip up and some leave the fold altogether because it’s more than they can handle. So while no one would deny that it’s a tremendous struggle to control oneself sexually, it certainly is possible, at least some of the time.
The only thing I think all Torah Jews need to concern themselves with when it comes to other people struggling is to remember that it’s not their struggle and it’s not their place to judge as they have no idea what each individual is up against.
In terms of “everyone deserves a chance at partnership,” I’m going to have to disagree with you on that one too from a Torah perspective. There’s no such idea of “deserving” within Judaism. As a human being with emotions, of course I believe that it would be wonderful if everyone had two loving parents, a roof over their head, a life partner to share their lives with, but when we look at the world, we see so many people are missing so many of these essential things. So even if we solved the “gay problem” by just throwing our hands up and saying the Torah certainly can’t expect this of people since everyone deserves chance at partnership, we’re still left with so many other unhappy people who are unhappy for so many other reasons.
A person could conclude that such suffering is a sign that there’s no God, that God doesn’t care or is cruel, but the Jewish approach, which covers the homosexual issue too is that by defintion God’s ways are beyond our comprehension. It may be unsatisfying to admit that we’ll never fully get why life is the way it is, but that is the traditional Jewish approach. You’re obviously welcome to come to your own understanding of how the universe operates, but the best thing observant Jews can offer people with homosexual desires is sensivity and non-judgementalism. We can never adopt an attitude that someone “deserves” something that the Torah prohibits.
Posted by Allison on May 7, 2010 at 2:16 am
Allison– I just wanted to commend you on such a sensitive response on a particularly difficult topic– especially since you managed to do it without being apologetic– that’s a very difficult feat and you did it tremendously well.
Posted by D :) vv on May 7, 2010 at 3:41 am
I applaud you for taking on such a difficult yet very deserving question. Your response is clearly sensitive and honest. It may not resolve the feelings of the letter writer, but your sincerity is brutally honest and palpable. Yasher koach!
Posted by Jeff on May 7, 2010 at 7:52 am
As a reform Jew in Dallas I really enjoy your blog. This post was one of your best. Your thoughtfulness and talent in getting your points across to the reader are exceptional. You add greatly to my Jewish experience!
Posted by Mark on May 7, 2010 at 9:36 pm
Thank you for letting me know, Mark!
Posted by Allison on May 7, 2010 at 11:39 pm
I once saw a Catholic priest address the question of homosexuality in an equally loving way.
He said “it looks like both you and I have been called to celibacy.”
So often, people behave like intimate activity is an inalienable right, no matter what their faith commands or morality dictates or the needs of society or the millions and millions of examples of the harm that is done by intimate activity outside of a marriage committment tell us.
It’s as though s–ual recreation is the be all and end all of a human’s existence!
How important that you remind us all that gay people are not the only people on Earth who have permanent trials to endure!
You’ve given me something to think about.
Posted by Lark on May 8, 2010 at 7:32 am
Allison,
Both you and the woman who asked the question missed a very important point. There is a difference between what is allowed halackically (by Jewish Law) and homophobia in the Orthodox community.HaShem is not a bigot and does not tell Orthodox Jews, “Don’t invite the lesbian couple for Shabbos lunch. Don’t talk to them at shul during kiddush.” That is all on the members of the community.
First of all, any issur (sin) that two women may or may not be doing together is merely speculation and lashon hara/motezei shem ra (gossip) on the community’s part. If you know of two women who live together and may or may not be raising children together, but who otherwise are equally frum (Orthodox) as you are. You do not know if they committing issurim (sins) because they probably know more about the subject than you do and may be avoiding any acts that assur.
If we see someone who we know if frum (Orthodox) we are not allowed to assume that commit averiot (sins) unless we have evidence to the contrary. Just the fact that two women live together and are frum is not evidence of a lack of emunah (faith) nor that they are committing averiot (sins) behind closed doors.
Secondly, the homophobia of the Orthodox community. If you see a person drive to shul, park his car a block away and walk the rest of the way, that is MORE evidence that he commits averiot (sins) then the 2 women who live together, share a home together and are raising a child together. However, which of these two groups is going to get the Shabbos invitations? That is right the one you KNOW is breaking Shabbos and hiev mitah (Biblically deserving of the death penalty) because people in the Orthodox community are more comfortable with breaking Shabbos than they are with what they assume to be going on behind closed doors. That one is totally on the Orthodox community.
K.L.,
It is possible to gay and frum. I am. My partner and I have been together for 12 years and have a child. Our daughter attends a pluralistic Orthodox Day School and has attended 2 different Orthodox day camps. She is well liked at school and has no problems there. We are members of an Orthodox synagogue and while some people will not invite us to their home for Shabbos meals other people do. Interestingly enough all of the people who will not invite us to their homes, do in fact talk to us at kiddush. Are things perfect, no. But they are good enough and they are changing, very slowly, but they are changing.
When my partner and I first got together people used to refer to us as “vegetarian cannibals” and “Orthodox car thieves”. No one does that anymore. There are a number of resources out there for Orthodox lesbians as well.
Don’t give up on God because some of His people do not know how to treat you. God is NOT a homophobe and you are b’tzelem Elokim (made in God’s image).
Leah
Posted by Leah on May 9, 2010 at 7:15 pm
I just want to pipe up and say, believe it or not there are many lesbian Orthodox women out there who live halachically observant lives with or without female partners. I am one of them. My partner and I have a beautiful and fulfilling relationship, we go to Orthodox shuls where the majority of people are accepting or at least tolerant (and a good number are very warm and welcoming and have expressed their support for us). We will be sending our children to Orthodox schools. We have friends who are Chasidic, Modern Orthodox, and Yeshivish. We have a shomer shabbat and shomer kashrut home. We live a life of Torah, halacha, and chesed. And yes, we are in a loving and supportive relationship as well. There are a growing number of gay and lesbian Jews who refuse to be forced to choose a secular life (which is how it often feels for those of us who cannot live a celibate life) and instead find ways to live happily as Orthodox gay and lesbian Jews, whether we have kids or partners or not. Discouraging Jews from doing mitzvahs is a sin, and any Orthodox shul that throws out gay and lesbian Orthodox Jews (or anyone who is striving to become more observant) … as has happened to friends of mine… should be ashamed of itself. Instead, just as everyone knows there are always going to be some otherwise Orthodox people who don’t keep taharat hamishpacha, women who don’t cover their hair, men who go into bars to watch a football game on shabbos, people who eat dairy in treyf restaurants… They should know there are also those who are gay, and the best choice they could make is to welcome us and all Jews and support us keeping halacha to the best of our abilities. This is one thing Chabad does well that most of Orthodoxy does not.
I find that now that I have accepted myself and have a committed partnership I am that much more able to spend time and attention towards hachnassat orchim, learning Torah, acts of chesed, and all the other parts of being a Torah Jew. I am a better Jew and can offer more to the world. People like me exist. There are even organizations for women like us to help support us staying religious without trying to change what we all know cannot be changed no matter how much abusive “reparation” therapy you go through. I have friends who’ve been through it and it didn’t just “not work”… it was truly destructive, soul-destroying and abusive. As well as not based on science whatsoever. Fortunately there are alternatives for those of us that this therapy doesn’t work for, or who don’t wish to harm ourselves in that way. One of them is being a halachically observant gay person – I know gay men in relationships who do not violate mishkav zachor. I know lesbian women who are in relationships that their rabbis have admitted are halachically okay. All of us are G-d fearing Jews with tremendous ahavas yisroel and a role to play in bringing Moshiach.
Posted by Fruma on May 10, 2010 at 6:13 pm
Thank you for your comments, Leah and Fruma. I think you both bring up similar points so I’ll address them together. Let me start off by saying that I think it’s very commendable that you are keeping as much halacha as you feel you are able to since many people (in your situation, and even in other situations) view Torah observance as an all or nothing deal. Of course every mitzvah counts, of course every mitzvah brings us closer to Moshiach. I also believe that we must be compassionate to all people and stress the mitzvah of “love your neighbor as yourself.”
That being said, I have to admit that I’m a bit uncomfortable with the idea of there being openly gay couples in the Orthodox community. Please note two things: Number one, I don’t say this because I’m looking down on you – as I said in my post, I honestly don’t know how I would respond if I were in your situation, so I can’t sit in judgement of the choices you’ve made. And number two, I hope that what I say doesn’t dissuade you in your Jewish committment in any way. I gave you both a platform to voice your opinions on this issue, but now I feel compelled to give mine.
You both mention in your comments that it’s possible to be in a homosexual relationship that is halachically permitted. While I am by no means an expert on this subject, after looking at Rabbi Gil Student’s (a centrist Orthodox rabbi) blog who quotes many mainstream Orthodox rabbis and sources, Hirhuirm, http://hirhurim.blogspot.com/2010/01/homosexuality-in-halakhah-xiv.html, I found a post that basically says that any thing as minimal as an affectionate touch between two lesbians and two gays is prohibited.
You also both noted that people who drive on Shabbos or don’t cover their hair are more accepted in the Orthodox community than openly gay couples and I agree with you on this one. So what’s the difference? Of course homophobia is part of the cause in some cases, and I agree that baseless hatred of any kind is against Judaism and must not be permitted. I do however think that there are some other things at play here.
If a man isn’t fully shomer Shabbos or if a woman doesn’t always cover her hair, these are aveiros that are external to the person’s identity. At any point the man could become Shabbos observant and at any point the woman could start covering her hair. In the case with the openly gay couple, especially those raising kids together, it seems that to me that the homosexuality defines them and the message is, “this is who we are and we’re not planning on changing.” Of course in a free country such an attitude is anyone’s right to have, but within Torah Judaism, I think the parts of ourselves that are at odds with halacha should be things we struggle to change. A person could spend his life struggling with few successes, but in my understanding of traditional Judaism, we’re supposed to be trying, and not just throw up our hands and say “this isn’t possible.”
Therefore, while it might be extremely difficult to abstain from prohibited behavior all the time, I think it would be more inline with traditional Jewish thought to introduce one’s gay partner as one’s roomate or one’s friend and hopefully members of the community will give them the benefit of the doubt and not assume that anything against halacha is going on.
One final point in terms of people being more accepting of someone who’s not shomer Shabbos than someone who’s openly in a gay relationship is that while it’s true that certain transgressions have become more accepted in the Orthodox community, sexual indescretions (across the board) are still kept quite private as I believe they should be.
Posted by Allison on May 10, 2010 at 6:20 pm
Thorough, intelligently crafted, humble, and sensitive. Thank you.
Posted by Ruchi Koval on May 10, 2010 at 7:58 pm
Great post – it’s unfortunate that the one commenter who identified as a therapist is so ignorant of reparative/reorientation therapy.
Despite the politically-correct prejudice at several medical organizations, there is clear evidence that these therapies work – with similar outcomes and rates of success to therapies for other compulsive/addictive behaviors such as alcoholism or anorexia.
I think you have zeroed in on a major problem with this issue – the casting of sexual orientation as a defining identity rather than a personal condition or characteristic.
Posted by Ben-David on May 12, 2010 at 12:48 am
As I mentioned in the post, Ben David, I personally can’t speak about the efficacy of this therapy. If people have been abused in certain instances then that’s obviously a horrible thing. I do think one should be allowed to discuss its existence as there seem to be people who have benefited from it. I think the fairest approach is to handle it like I tried to without coming to any conclusions and leaving it up to anyone who’s curious to learn more to research it himself.
Posted by Allison on May 12, 2010 at 3:47 am
I have really appreciated your discussion of this challenging issue. I
think there is an important point that you brought out in your
response to Fruma and Leah that warrants further inspection.
You wrote that: “If a man isn’t fully shomer shabbos or if a woman
doesn’t always cover her hair, these are aveiros that are external to
the person’s identity. At any point the man could become Shabbos
observant and at any point the woman could start covering her hair.”
You contrast this to a gay person who ostensibly cannot change because
being a homosexual is essential to their identity. You further
intimate that a homosexual should work to “change” their sexual
orientation or at least not act upon their attraction to members of
the same sex.
This claim, that gay people can change their identity, seems to me to
be essential for Orthodox Jews. The Orthodox belief in reward and
punishment rests upon the idea that people are free agents. They can
choose to do what they want to do and can therefore be punished by God
for their choices. Similarly, they can change through the process of
teshuva (repentance) and remedy the mistakes that they have made. The
idea that God fairly rewards and punishes is listed by Maimonides as
one of the 13 principles of faith. And the vast majority of
traditional Jewish philosophers claim that humans must have free will.
Homosexuals pose a challenge to the classical Jewish conception of
reward and punishment because they are judged for actions they are not
free to choose. They are attracted to people of the same sex and held
responsible for acting on this attraction despite the fact that no
amount of teshuva will change the way they feel. Why would God endow a
percentage of humans with an innate trait, same sex attraction, that
God has deemed sinful to act upon? Why would a just God punish those
who are predisposed to sin by prohibiting them from forming the
sanctioned relationships heterosexual Jews can form?
It seems the Orthodox answer to this problem is to say that
homosexuals can change or that they should try to change. Reparitive
therapy is frequently suggested by Orthodox rabbis and families.
However, scientific consensus might eventually be that homosexuals
cannot change and are innately gay. (For a review of legitimate
research on this topic see: “Changing sexual orientation: A consumers’
report”. Shidlo, Ariel and Schroeder, M. in Professional Psychology:
Research and Practice. Vol 33(3), Jun 2002, 249-259.) If sexual
orientation is scientifically demonstrated to be immutable, wouldn’t
Orthodox Jews have to change their overall belief system? If
homosexuality is innate, the idea that God punishes fairly is deeply
challenged. Why would God judge something God himself has predisposed
someone to want as sinful or “an abomination”? I think there is a
theological problem Orthodox Jews must grapple with here. I think the
assertion that homosexuals can change (in the face of increasing
scientific evidence to the contrary) is a means of avoiding this
deeper problem. So, how can Orthodox Judaism reconcile the idea that
God punishes justly if homosexuality is innate? I’d love to hear your
thoughts, particularly given your philosophical training, about this
aspect of KL’s well posed question.
Posted by Ava on May 16, 2010 at 11:34 pm
Thanks for your comment, Ava. I think you might have misunderstood the point I was trying to make to Leah and Fruma. I don’t know if sexual re-orientation is possible. I don’t think I could ever know for sure unless I was gay and tried it for myself. I’ve heard arguments on both sides, so I’m not here to give a final answer on the subject and I don’t think re-orienting one’s sexual attraction is actually required by the Torah. What’s required by the Torah is to abstain from certain acts. As I mentioned in my original answer, Jewish law requires straight singles to control their sexual desires just as much as it requires gay people to.
While living a celibate life is certainly a challenging feat, I don’t think it’s an impossible one. Also, I don’t think God expects perfection of people – God expects effort and striving, so if a person is on track for a while and slips up from time to time, does teshuva and gets back on track (whether it’s a straight single or a gay person) I think that’s part of living a life striving towards Torah observance.
The point I was trying to make about contrasting someone who doesn’t observe Shabbos or cover her hair with someone who is openly gay and is raising a family with a partner is that when a person decides to announce to the world that he or she is gay and creates a home life around that sexual orientation, the person has decided to stop striving in that area. It doesn’t mean that he or she can’t keep other commandments or that those other commandments don’t bring him or her merit, but in the area of sexuality, the openly gay Jew basically says, “I’ve given up when it comes to this mitzvah.” With the person who breaks Shabbos or doesn’t cover her hair, any day he or she could wake up and say, “Today I will starting observing this mitzvah.” When a gay Jew has made the homosexuality part of his or her identity, home life, and epsecially if he or she has brought children into the mix, the likelihood of waking up one day and saying “I’m going to try and restrain myself from acting upon my sexual desires,” becomes much more unlikely.
A person is obviously free to live his or her life the way she sees fit, and as I’ve said repeatedly, this is not something I’ve had to face so I can’t judge what each individual decides to do. However, I believe that being part of an Orthodox community means believing that the Torah is from God and that God got it right the first time, no matter how difficult living up to Torah ideals might be on a day to day level. So whatever the latest studies show about how hard (or impossible) it might be to re-orient a sexual attraction becomes irrelevent.
All a Torah Jew is interested in is if a sexual desire can go unanswered with proper self control. This can certainly be done at least some of the time and regarding reward and punishment, a person who spends his life striving to refrain from certain actions that the Torah forbids would certainly receive an abundant reward as our sages tell us in Pirkei Avos, “According to the struggle is the reward.”
Posted by Allison on May 17, 2010 at 12:01 am
Wow, I just want to thank you for writing such a well thought out and complete answer. I also really enjoyed reading your responses to the comments. Even after working in outreach for people with many years of experience, I’ve never heard such a thorough response; thank you!
Posted by Rachel on May 17, 2010 at 3:07 pm
I know that there is at least one therapist in NYC that works with Orthodox men who belive that they are homosexual. Some are single and some are married. Those that are married work to live happily married lives with family akin to your description. When I asked how they keep peace within themselves, I was told that even though they might want strawberry icecream, it is not like they do not like chocolate-chip-mint. Those that marry have made some peace living the life of choice – I wish them peace. There is a group that practice orthodox judaism, some black-hat, who through therapy work to find that peace too – I wish them peace too. It must be painful at times. It is consoling that there is a place for them to turn for counsel and support.
Posted by Maura on May 24, 2010 at 10:28 am
Thank you for a wonderfully thoughtful article article. It is seldom I see Orthodox Jewish people consider the impact of homosexuality on those who suffer as a result of it.
I do want to add to the debate, rather than detract from your thoughtful comments.
I would like your readership to take one moment to consider what it must be like to know you can never find love, have a boyfriend or even date ever for the whole of your life.
I have a few homosexual Jewish friends who struggle with this issue, and I don’t really think it is taken seriously enough by people who could really lighten the burden and help them be more observant.
To me, the key difference between the examples you’ve used in your article and being homosexual must be how we destroy the hopes and dreams of homosexual people by showing no form of ahavas Israel to those who battle with it. The reality is that while a childless mother or a lonely heterosexual can always hope to find those things through IVF, adoption or a shiddach respectively, gay people are absolutely denied dating or a relationship for all of their lives. It’s an absolute that only seems to apply to this negative mitzvah and no others.
For example, those who drive on Shabbat or don’t keep kosher can find Orthodox communities who will love and accept them despite their failings. The list of unkept mitzvot is endless but each and every one seems to be okay except maybe murder and sexual impropriety.
Gay people, however, are spurned even if they keep every mitzvah but one!
For some reason our ability to love our fellow Jew is uniformly stripped when we discover they’re gay and in a relationship.
As a society Orthodoxy needs to realize that these people, more than ever, deserve our support and love. Their loneliness can never be addressed when we spurn them, particularly if they choose to stay out of relationship because they put Hashem first. It is easy to hide behind the pretext that it is a test for them, but it’s much better and harder to visit them, invite the lonely person over for Shabbos dinner and do all we can to help them live an enriching life without judging them.
I’m convinced that no gay person woke up one day praying to be gay, and as such as Jews we should be supporting them. They struggle terribly with sexuality as they grow up and it takes incredible courage to be open about their problem in an Orthodox society. Their hopes and dreams are denied them by the Torah because as people (they are people first, not only gay) they also want someone their to hug them when they get home, to help them up when they stumble and fall and just for adult company. All people want to be in love. Physiologically it is well-proven that those in relationships live longer, healthier lives and psychologically they fare much better. I don’t think Hashem makes mistakes and so as these people are born this way and discover their SSA we need to realize they have a valuable place in the World. Even if we can’t condone what they do, even implicity, we are still obligated to open our hearts to them and consider the impact they face in their lives should they put Hashem first and be frum. There is no on/off switch I’ve seen in my friends. They struggle with this, and some wish it was different but it does not just go away through therapy and medication.
Although I’m observant and will not question the Torah, or condone anything other than keeping mitzvot, I think we as a society do a very bad job of supporting people who are a minority in our already minority group. We effectively cast them aside and they become the “Jews” in Jewish Society, just like Israel is cast as the “Jew” amongst nations.
I think we can only cast ourselves as observant and Orthodox when we keep all the mitzvot to the best of our ability and treat those who don’t keep all of them equally, rather than just spurning homosexuals and enforcing rules upon them while the next guy in shul keeps popping out to light a cigarette on Shabbos.
I adore my gay friends, one of which is one of my closest friends. I’m a single parent, supporting two children with no real need to find a relationship right now and these people mean the world to me. I suffer loneliness too. Let them into your lives. Their insights are so rewarding and I couldn’t imagine just judging them on the 4% that is usually indicated as being gender awareness and sexuality in psychology.
In being decent and loving people we can help so many. By judging harshly and singling out specific mitzvot for extra attention we’re not being good, observant people at all.
Posted by Sara on June 22, 2010 at 3:16 pm
I will try hard not to be judgmental, although this topic can be a tough one to maneuver.
I think you touched upon an important aspect of homosexuality today that makes it more difficult on any homosexual. Today’s society seems to be pushing for homosexuals to feel free to be open and explicit in their feelings. Society pushes hard to make them feel they should come out of the closet and celebrate their sexual preferences. Their is nothing to be embarrassed about.
Every human being has an evil inclination. Some towards homosexuality, others towards stealing, womanizing, gambling, drinking, killing. Some for gossip, others for eating treif. There is not a mitzvah out there or a prohibition that one human being does not have a serious problem with.
Orthodox Judaism tries it’s best to accept all of them with the right to remind them that it is wrong. As the example you gave about someone driving on Shabbat to synagogue but parking a few blocks away. If they parked in the parking lot, you can be sure that they would hear from some or many of the congregants
and/or the Rabbi. Just as they would be reprimanded for bringing in a ham sandwich to the kitchen area.
Homosexuals today do not want to hide their “weakness”. They want everyone in the orthodox world to accept them as they are. And this attitude is not only ridiculous, it is wrong.
Hiding ones sexual preference may be the hardest thing in the world to do, breaking that weakness may seem impossible, but there are no mistakes in the Universe God created.
Sexual immorality has been the downfall of many a culture and people. As a parent, I’d prefer one with homosexual tendencies over a child born a “vegetable”. As a human being, I can’t say or judge what is worse. But in Judaism, the goal should never be to accept one’s flaws, but rather to help them perfect themselves. Perfecting in this case means not giving in to that temptation. There are lots of orthodox Jews who cannot stop themselves from stealing. Some steal small amounts, other billions. Some steal from the government, others from their neighbors. Some steal from their parents, some from their synagogue. But none will ever admit it publicly. They know it is wrong, so they hide it as best they can.
When the Orthodox homosexual community takes this same approach, there will be many more hands out there to welcome you. The attitude today is more like the Jew who walks into the shul with the ham sandwich and announces publicly that it is a ham sandwich and then has the audacity to complain that the congregants want nothing to do with her.
Posted by Julie on August 22, 2010 at 7:52 pm
I want you to know something KL.I am gay just like you are,however I was able to find that special someone and have no problem. I have someone I know who is also gay and has been living with a woman for quite a few years now and they are both very happy. You should stay open minded and keep certain options open. I think there is a way if you REALLY work on it, to get married to a good woman and be happy.
Perhaps you can find yourself a good Rabbi that you can talk to. Control your life, don’t let life control you. Best of luck to you my brother.
Posted by Jim on October 4, 2010 at 10:19 am
Thank you to the person above who gave recognition to Chabad for the way they treat people. I know the halakha surrounding this issue, I know that different people in the frum world interpret it in different ways and argue over it ad nauseam. I personally am going to just acknowledge that I am an imperfect person, as we all are. I leave the judging to Hashem. I’m going to be me and be honest about who I am and love myself just as I am, despite whatever things there are about me that I can or cannot change that might weird people out, and that’s what I’d want all of us to do. I’m not gay, but there are things about me, things beyond my ability to change, that people treat me like an outsider for, and I’m not going to apologize for those things for a second. I’m going to be honest and live my life out loud because, as the saying goes, I know I’m someone special cuz G-d don’t make no junk! Matthew Shepard, the young man who was beaten and then tied up to a fence and left to die in the cold Wyoming night, just because he was gay, said that he wasn’t openly gay, but honestly gay. I’d rather gay people be in my shul, and in my LIFE, and be HONEST about themselves than be in the closet and hide who G-d made them to be. Whether or not they’re having sex that is forbidden by Hashem ultimately is between them and Hashem, not them and me. I’m following the Lubavitcher Rebbe’s lead. If you’re a Jew, you can come over for Shabbos anytime. Period. Even those therapists I was criticizing earlier! Yes, I mean that, as much as they upset me!! Everyone should follow the Rebbe’s lead if we ever want the Moshiach to come in our lifetime or the lifetime of the next generation. Please G-d, let’s get over ourselves and be more loving! If we don’t welcome people in and love and accept them “flaws and all” (for lack of a better expression — I do not believe being gay is a flaw!), we’re going to have even more youth killing themselves because their peers bully them for being gay or violate their privacy and post things online that nobody should be seeing.
By the way, none of this is an attack addressed at anyone here, especially Allison — I really love what you do on this site, and I think your response here was very thoughtful and kindly worded. I love that you even took this topic on. I’m just saying what I’m saying because the pain and torture that they gay community worldwide, not even just amongst our people, is so upsetting to me. The recent news about gay youth committing suicide, and the self-destructive behavior I’ve seen many of my gay clients engage in because they’re discriminated against and ostracized by society, have broken my heart and made me cry far too much, and I had to speak up.
Posted by Gavriela on October 4, 2010 at 11:38 pm
Thanks for your comment, Gavriela. I appreciate that you were not trying to attack anyone (especially me!) and while you’re entitled to your opinion, I have to respectfully disagree with the idea of “loving myself just as I am.” I think that while you’re right – we’re all imperfect, and should certainly love ourselves – there shouldn’t be a “just as I am” because that implies complacency in my mind and I think the Torah and God wants us to always be improving ourselves.
In terms of the halacha being interpreted differently by different people, I’m personally unaware of anyone Orthodox who believes that acting on same sex attraction to any extent is permissible within Jewish law.
Posted by Allison on October 5, 2010 at 8:14 am
Oy! The tzoros of sex!
To a young person, perhaps there is no greater pleasure, one which when denied (because of sexual orientation, physical problems or psychological issues) seems an unfair punishment.
The laws of family purity teach us that for half a month a heterosexual couple’s relationship may NOT be based on sex. Whether this is the best time in a married couple’s life often depends on whether you are a man or a woman, young or old, healthy or infirm. But in a good relationship, it is a GOOD time, in many cases it is the BEST time.
Companionship, without sex, is a GOOD thing. Committed companionship is a BETTER thing. An intellectually compelling relationship augmented by caring and compassion may well be the BEST thing, although the young and virile may not yet appreciate it.
This being said, there are gay Jews who are male and those who are female (and there are straight women who just don’t like sex). While there is a prohibition against gay sex, there is no reason why a gay man must deny himself the joys of companionship that comes with being with an interesting and caring woman, and once reconciled to the joys of caring companionship that doesn’t include sex, a wonderful and richly fulfilling life can still be created.
Alas, this cannot compensate for what may be considered an unfair deprivation, but it can open the door to other riches.
Posted by Barbara on November 4, 2010 at 6:14 am
I am a Conservative Convert at the beginning of my Orthodox conversion. I attended a Conservative Shul that has a few homosexual couples in it. The first family to invite me to Shabbat dinner was a family with an adult married homosexual male couple in it. The dinner was at the matriarch’s home. The son took very good care of his mother. He even arranged for in home care when he couldn’t be around. This was so refreshing to me because most of the Jewish people in her age group are thrown into Seven Acres, A Jewish Assisted Living and Nursing home in my neighborhood, and hardly acknowledged again. This saddens me. I know this because I visit different guest that are members of the Shul from time to time.
While watching the man I wondered, “What if she had turned her back on him because of his sexual orientation?” “Where would she be now?” “What kind of man would he be?”
I don’t think that she encouraged her sons lifestyle, but she didn’t treat him “less than” because of it. It was the first of only a few Shabbat dinners that I have been invited too in the 2+ years that I have attended that Shul. I assume since I am so obviously different from the rest of my congregation (a person of color) that she felt kindness in her heart and reached out to me.
The most interesting part of the experience is that other Jews have “come out” to me. I happen to be one of those people that complete strangers tell their deepest secrets too. Lucky me!
Would I invite a homosexual couple to my Shabbat Dinner? Yes I would.
If asked, if I agree with the lifestyle would I say yes? No I wouldn’t.
Posted by Shelly on December 22, 2010 at 2:15 am
One might add as another example of lifetime deprivation the very unhappily married Jewish couple with children. Such couples exist, and, I dare say, not in insignificant numbers. Is it easier to spend a lifetime longing for the companionship of someone of the same sex, or rather to spend a lifetime lacking that same companionship – despite the physical presence of one’s spouse? Both fates strike me as very highly difficult.
I would never deny that the position of a homosexual in Judaism deeply painful. I am not sure that it is uniquely painful, however.
Posted by Raymond on January 19, 2011 at 3:02 am
What if one of your children turned out to be gay? Would you spend the rest of their life refusing to support their right to have a healthy adult relationship with someone they can actually fall in love with?
I have seen parents who do this, and it ALWAYS, unequivocally, damages or destroys the relationship between the child and their parents or their community. Have you seen your best friend sobbing because her parents said that her being gay was “like she was dead”?
As a heterosexual person, you have an enormous amount of privilege, which is obvious from this post. Do you think people WANT to be gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender? Obviously people are born that way – who would choose an identity that would result in persecution, pain, and ignorance from those around them?
“Sexual re-orientation therapy,” as you call it, is barbaric, traumatizing, and lacks any scientific basis. Do you really think that locking young boys in a room and shocking their genitals with electrodes in an accepting way to treat fellow human beings? Would you allow someone to do that to your son? I suggest that you actually read up on aversion therapy and the “ex-gay” movement to educate yourself about what a hoax it is.
I really wish Orthodox Jews would actually educate themselves about what it means to be gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. The film “Trembling Before G-d” is a good starting point for Orthodox people who want something that addresses the religious elements.
As a Jew who doesn’t hide behind “religion” to justify my prejudice, I wish others would stop doing so. I don’t care how you phrase it, refusing to extend simple acceptance to gay couples in your community is discrimination, bigotry, inhospitable, and intolerance – all of which are much more sinful than simply loving someone of the same gender.
Posted by A jew on February 1, 2011 at 11:23 pm
Thanks for your comment, A jew. I see that this issue is very emotionally charged for you, therefore I’m going to change the scenario of your question slightly.
What if one of my children turned out to be an older single? Meaning, what if one of my children, God forbid, spent years and years dating, but was unable to find the right person to marry?
According to Jewish law, we’re not supposed to even hold hands with a member of the opposite sex until we marry them, so imagine how an older Orthodox single is forced to remain celibate for years and years, in some cases decades and decades.
But what if my child fell in love with someone who didn’t want to get married? What if that person made my child happy, offered him or her companionship, the abilitiy to be in a healthy sexual relationship?
Would I support such a thing? No I wouldn’t, but not because I wouldn’t be incredibly pained by the loneliness and the celibacy that my child would have to suffer through without that relationship. Watching someone you love suffer is obviously heart wrenching.
I wouldn’t support it because I believe that we have a greater purpose in this world than simply “being happy.” Of course it is a million times better when we are able live according to our values AND have all the things that make life happy to live, but if it came down to having to choose one or the other, I would hope that my child would choose a Torah way of life despite the fact that doing so would get in the way of this worldly pleasures.
Would I call my child “dead” if she or he did not choose a Torah lifestyle? Of course not. I would try not to judge my child’s decision, as I would have no way of understanding what living alone for so long would be like, but at the same time, I would be disappointed.
I don’t take these scenarious lightly, but I assure you that my convictions have nothing to do with prejudice towards same sex attraction.
My convictions are about striving to live up to every aspect of the Torah and attempting to pass those values on to my children.
Posted by Allison on February 7, 2011 at 9:48 pm
Allison!
How are you?
I must say I find your videos and your site to be very refreshing and wonderful. I will say that I am not a Jew. I am not even a Christian at that, though I do follow a path of my own choosing and recognize the existence of God. I also am bisexual, with a preference for men.
I will say that I find it insulting that someone like me is labeled “open-minded” and if someone were to read your reply to the person, you may be labeled as “close-minded.” Following one’s religion and abiding by the rules is never close-minded. Its being OBEDIENT to a higher power. I recognize that, but most people do not. As a bisexual male, I have limits, and morals, and I do not condone some of the behaviors within my own community so I am seen as prudish and stuck up at times.
On both ends of the spectrum, there is judgement that is not fair. I will let you know that I did NOT read this article, in search of something you would say that would go against my own beliefs so that I would feel secure in condemning you in a manner. A lot of “open-minded” people actively search for markers of “close-mindedness” from the targets of their rage, and fire off as soon as they come across something that does not agree with what they believe in. I do not agree with religions zealots who target “sinner” and I also do not agree with “open-minded” people taking liberty to criticize religious people because of their beliefs; out of some need to bully someone into submission. Members of oppressed societies have a habit of taking liberties and belittling the “oppressors” for the hell of it and for no reason more. (such as certain members of the black community defaming whites, and demonizing them just because of past slavery. I am black as well, and I see this infrequently and it bothers me.) That being said, those scorned by religion and made to feel inferior because of lifestyle choices, often turn bitter and filled with hatred and target anything that reminds them of organized religion, which is VERY unfair.
I read this article because I have always wanted to know the true opinion of an Orthodox Jew on this subject, actually.
I will say that your response was BEAUTIFUL. Of course, I feel that homosexuality is not wrong, but I am also not a Jew and I do not follow the Torah. I think people are missing the point, that for one to be a member of a certain religion, and for them to embrace it with all of their being, they CANNOT pick and choose what they want to follow. As a human being, we are all entitled to the respect and kindness of our fellow man, despite our race, religion, or creed. This is all that is required. One does not have to agree or even accept the lifestyles of the fellow man; and one is never wrong for choosing to stick with their own beliefs. BUT respect and kindness to the next man should always be practiced. I know a lot of Jews, and have a lot of Jewish friends. I find beauty in the Jewish religion as a whole, and I do know that I will never be able to follow the religion completely because I am not willing to abide completely by the Torah, but I still respect it. I have been shown NOTHING but kindness and acceptance from Jews — I think more so than from other religions. I work in a gay-oriented establishment, and we have a Jewish doctor who works closely with HIV-affected (and mostly homosexual) patients. I never see judgement or anything coming from her. I think with such a history that Jews have, respect and kindness to the next man is more so important than coming from others (though this may just be my experience, but what a beautiful experience it is!)
What I want to say to you is that you are truly a fair-minded person, and your stance on this is completely neutral. I have so much MORE respect for you because you are not willing to alter your own beliefs, and second the Torah just to accommodate the next man’s beliefs. Your response was graceful, thoughtful, and well-written. You gave advice to the best of your abilities, and you offered options. You never once said “this was wrong, do this” but you just gave the Torah’s stance on homosexuality, and the requirements of an Orthodox Jew. Religion ceases to be a religion of rules and codes can be broken and altered to suit everyone’s needs. You gave the person as many options as possible:
1. Abide by the Torah, and be celibate. being gay isn’t what the Torah is against — what it is against is the sexual act.
2. Abide by the Torah, and learn to embrace the opposite sex, if possible, and form a relationship with a member of the opposite sex to experience sex, and love/marriage, and intimacy within the guidelines of the Torah; so that loneliness and isolation is avoided
3. Give up on the Torah, and follow another path that better accommodates and accepts homosexuality.
For you to give the person the option of being actively homosexual and Orthodox would be for you to contradict your own beliefs and go against the Torah; which you have taken a vow to abide…so I understand FULLY why this was not one of your solutions, and in my opinion, you are justified in this.
People seem to forget that!
You could only give advice from within the barriers of the Orthodox religion! Again, you did this wonderfully.
It is not my place to question the Torah. It is viewed as perfect and without need to change, so man is, indeed, what needs to change NOT the Torah; that is, if someone wants to be a Jew/Orthodox.
I applaud you. This was well written.
Posted by Mike on October 26, 2011 at 7:19 am
My rabbi was on a Hillel panel with an orthodox rabbi who was asked about homosexuality.
He replied,’I have two men in my congregation who I know live together. They pray three times a day, come to services, give charity and study Torah. When they leave Friday services I know they go home together, where they celebrate Shabbos. There are three others who wish me a good Shabbos but when they think they are out of sight light up a cigarette, get into their cars and drive to the baseball game. They are married with children. Which men are better Jews?’
Posted by Keren on October 26, 2011 at 7:35 am
Thanks for your comment, Keren. I agree that a Jew is made up of all his mitzvos and it’s not up for us to decide “who’s better.” We each have our own strengths, we each have our own struggles. The Torah, ideal though, is to be striving for complete observance whether you have a desire to break Shabbos or a desire to perform a different aveira (sin).
Posted by Allison on October 26, 2011 at 7:38 am