I recently released the latest episode of "Jew in the City" with a guest appearance by Mayim Bialik. The video has gotten an overwhelmingly positive response, but there have been some negative comments posted on various websites too. I was called an "apologist" in at least one place, but I must set the record straight - and my husband will vouch for me on this one - I generally do whatever I can to avoid apologizing.
I would, however, like to clarify something about the video since we cut out a small section for artistic reasons (as it was dragging on), but that I wish was left in content-wise. I mentioned that of course there are some sexist Orthodox Jews out there, just as there are, unfortunately, a certain number of liars, cheaters, and thieves within the Orthodox community.
The main point that I hoped to get across, though, is that except for a few isolated instances, in the dozen years since I've become observant, I've seen tremendous respect and honor given to women, mothers, and wives in the Orthodox world. In my Conservative Jewish household growing up, my parents had and still have a great marriage, but my father was a bit old-fashioned in his view of women. He didn't want my mother to work once she had children and was never particularly helpful around the house. (In his defense, he wasn't around very much because he worked so hard, but he did provide a nice life for his family.) Both of my parents (as well as my two sisters) became observant a decade ago (after me), and ironic as it sounds, since my father has become Orthodox, he's been more helpful and attentive to my mother's needs than ever before.
I considered myself a feminist, even at an early age. I never studied feminism in a formal way, but it always seemed logical that as a woman I'd want women to be treated well. My older sister went off to college a year before me and minored in gender studies which basically sealed the deal that I would NOT do the same. (Hey, we middle children have to define ourselves in some way!) So though I never took a single feminism class in college, I remained committed to living a life where I felt free to make my own choices and find a husband who valued and respected me (and was more helpful than my father!).
I was initially wary of Orthodox Judaism and its treatment of women. I was raised to believe, as many people are, that women are subjugated, second-class citizens in Orthodox society. But then I started meeting religious Jews and my experiences were vastly different than the rumors I had grown up with. At one of my first Shabbos dinners at the local assistant rabbi's house, I remember being blown away by how helpful the rabbi was during the meal. He served the dishes, cleared the plates, was very involved with the kids. I remember whispering to my friend, "I can't believe how helpful he is." And then a moment later he playfully came over and whispered to us, "he also has excellent hearing!"
Not only have I met respectful, attentive husbands, I've also met strong, educated women who voice their opinions, have jobs outside the home (if they choose to), and seem quite content with their lives. Do they do all the same things that their husbands do within Judaism or life in general? No - but neither I nor any of my friends have ever felt that our differences within Judaism held us back in any way.
Are there Orthodox women out there that do feel slighted in some way and want to have religious roles more similar to men? Definitely, but from what I've seen, these women are in the minority and many have found an outlet for their needs through left-wing Orthodox groups which try to create leadership and prayer roles for women (similar to men) within the boundaries of Jewish law. (My goal is not to tell anyone here what to do or not do, but the personal conclusion that I've come to concerning these groups is that I'm happy with the way things are already, and even if something is technically allowed within Jewish law, I feel most comfortable when tradition is kept in mind as well.)
When I was first becoming religious, I was trying to work through various gender differences in traditional Judaism. I thought about how I would never want my husband to sit at the head of our Shabbos table because that would imply that he had some extra power or prominence over me. I decided that we'd get a round table, with no head, so everyone would know we were equal. I also thought that it didn't make sense that the husband customarily makes the blessings over the food for everyone during the meal if I, as a woman, could make them too.
And then I met my husband, who's probably a bigger feminist than I am. He would have been fine with any shaped table. He would have been fine if I made some of the blessings during the meal, but when it came right down to it, I realized that I didn't actually care! I didn't need to sit in a certain spot to know that I was elevated in my husband's eyes. And I knew that he secretly liked sitting at the head of the table, in the traditional patriarch-of-the-family-spot, so I enjoyed letting him have it. (Incidentally, he always gives me the most comfortable chair whenever there's ever a choice!)
During the first few years of our marriage when my husband was in school and around much more often, he did the majority of the shopping and quite a bit of the cooking and cleaning, but I still liked baking the challah myself every Shabbos and having him make the blessing over it. It was just this nice way for both of us to share in the experience. Yes, it was completely traditional to do it in such a way - he could have baked it and I could have blessed it - there's no law that says it can't be done like that - but something just felt nice about doing it more traditionally.
And since my husband started his job a few months ago, leaving more of the Shabbos preparation up to me, it's my pleasure to cook him his favorite foods. Not because I have to, but because I love him and I know how happy it makes him when he catches the smell of Shabbos even before he walks through the front door. He brings home the most beautiful bouquets to me every Friday afternoon on his way home from work in honor of Shabbos. Again - so traditional, but other than the occassional frustrations that everyone has, this system seems to be working quite well for us.
Perhaps my feeling happy and comfortable with such a traditional set-up is that I was able to strike a balance that worked for me. I could have had a career outside the home. I could have been a full-time stay at home mom. I could be part of the left-wing Orthodox groups or I could have chosen to never have become Orthodox in the first place!
I did my best to educate myself and see what was out there before I made any decisions, but I fear that too many people base their opinions of Orthodox Jews on rumors and stereotypes. So I wanted (as a real, live Orthodox woman) to get a chance to explain what my personal experience has been, and I encourage everyone to take the opportunity to see it for themselves and come to their own conclusions.
Thank you for this post. I think some of the rumors and sterotypes could be prevented if perhaps not traditional/orthodox jews and perhaps their neighbors could be more open to each other. I live in an orthodox neighborhood in Williamsburg Bklyn. I am one of 2 non-orthodox people who live on my floor (15 apts). I try my best to be a good neighbor but I have to admit that it have to steel myself when I get in the elevator and the men fight to get off the elevator first just so they don’t have to get in with me or if I say good morning to the women (I don’t speak to the men as I was told this was disrepectful) I don’t even get a nod. Its very frustrating and maybe because I am a single AA women they feel uncomfortable but imagine how I feel…everyone around me is married with children and I just want to feel comfortable where I live. Anyway, I can go on and on but I just want to personally thank you for sharing information about yourself and about Judiasm. Thank you again!!!
Posted by Leslie Clay on August 4, 2009 at 5:38 pm
This is a nice article and a very non-threatening way to describe your life to those who don’t really understand Orthodox Jews and their way of life. Thanks for sharing these insights into your life and your world.
Posted by Galina on August 4, 2009 at 9:02 pm
Hi Leslie- I’m sorry that your neighbors are so unfriendly. People in my community don’t act that way. I actually wrote two posts addressing the issues you bring up:
http://tinyurl.com/n522cy
http://tinyurl.com/nbhedv
There are many benefits that come with being insular, but rudeness certainly does not have to (and should not) come with them.
Posted by Allison on August 4, 2009 at 9:21 pm
I, too, was brought up in a non-religious home but also find comfort in the traditional roles Judaism gives men and women, or moreso, husbands/fathers and wives/mothers (perhaps I wouldn’t find the same comfort if I wasn’t married with kids, to be honest). I like that I am still obligated to daven (pray), but that I don’t have time constraints nor obligation to daven in a minyan (in shul) like men have. Being a mother, if I remember (I have a baby… I’m often so tired that I forget) to daven, I’m happy! Adding when and where to daven would make it impossible.
Lots of my friends are feminist Jews (I live in Israel) and try to do whatever they can to “equalize” the roles of Judaism (e.g. making the bracha over the challah on Shabbat). I just don’t care to change these roles. I joke with them that I’m the biggest female chauvinist. Maybe I am. But I just don’t see why it’s a problem to have different roles between the sexes. We’re NOT the same (physically, mentally/emotionally), but that doesn’t mean we’re not equal in other ways. Also, the fact that women are spritually elevated than men in Judasim is something that people forget when saying it is an archaic religion. Don’t take the elevation so lightly, people!
Thanks so much for this posting. You really wrote how I feel succinctly, and I bet there are many more women out there like us. It’s important for the world to know that women are not, and don’t FEEL like, second class citizens in Judaism! Thanks again!
Posted by Melanie Levenstein on August 4, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Thank you for writing this. I am a Jew by choice. I studied for a year, and had my conversion done by my rabbi in a conservative congregation.
I also felt that something was missing,but there are so many untruths out there about the Orthodox, many from fellow jews. I was determined to find out. The more I read, the more observant I am becoming.
I found your site one day, and I’m so glad I did. I have learned so much already.
I’m trying to find an Orthodox rabbi to study with, but where I live, we are the only Jews. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
Please keep writing. I learn so much. Thank you
Posted by Debbie Schoen on August 4, 2009 at 11:49 pm
Thanks for your post, Allison. I would like to add that I also am a very happily married Orthodox woman, and I have the most wonderful, helpful man for a husband. He does most of our food shopping, plenty of our cooking, on top of being supportive of me in every way and never being critical of me– not to mention being the most involved father I could have ever imagined. Similar to what Allison said, I can honestly say that my Orthodox husband is way less misogynistic than my completely-secular father. It’s a shame that these sterotypes exist, because I find that Judaism gives men and women exactly what each one needs. That doesn’t mean we do everything the same way– for example, it makes my husband feel special to sit at the head of the table and make the blessings for us on Shabbos, and I think it’s important for men to have that. I, on the other hand, feel special to have a man who doesn’t look at other women– real or on screen, and who is always attentive and responsive to me. I believe when we give men the respect and leadership opportunities that they need, they in turn behave as the men we need– shopping and cooking included. I believe the two work together and every marriage–religious or not– would be improved by giving men the reverence they crave.
I would also like to add that I consider myself a “strong, educated woman” as you mentioned in your post– I’m pursuing a Ph.D. and and plan to have a career– in addition to caring for my family. I’d also like to say that I’m FAR more content than I ever was when I wasn’t religious. I remember a Rabbi saying to me, when I asked him about Orthodox women being oppressed, “go ask them.” His point was the very one you’re making, Allison, and it’s so wonderful that you can publicize this– most frum women don’t feel like second-class citizens– we share a true partnership with our husbands and we’re truly content– how many Americans today can say that? I think anyone who watched a true Torah marriage from the inside would be nothing short of envious.
Posted by DR on August 5, 2009 at 12:03 am
Hey Allison,
This post was awesome. I always say that my 14-year-old (Orthodox) daughter and her friends have never felt deprived in their Judaism. If you would walk into the classroom and say, “How many feel that you’d like to read from the Torah?” not one would need that or even know why you were asking. Why? Because they are full. They are satiated in their Judaism. Their lives are rich with meaning, ritual, and tradition.
And I just have to say, too, that my Rabbi husband does bedtime almost every night, all the baths, clears and serves on Shabbat while I sit at the table, and I must say that Orthodox Judaism – or, in better terms – the Torah, has given him these values. Thanks again.
Posted by Ruchi Koval on August 5, 2009 at 12:35 pm
How I wish my wife would attend synagogue instead of me. I’d love to spend time at home with the kids in the morning and not have to worry about reciting Shema in time or reviewing the parshah twice with targum.
I promise, if the law is changed, I’ll never complain. I’d like six weeks off when she has a baby instead of helping her all night with the kids, gettng the others to school in the morning, davening each day with a minyan, and working all day.
Posted by Mark on August 5, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Mark-
I don’t know if there are any groups out there working on finding a way for men to have babies, but until then, maybe we can just appreciate that everyone has their own challenges as well as benefits in what they do!
Posted by Allison on August 6, 2009 at 12:25 am
Great article and video. I’m surprised you never mentioned what is for me the biggest factor:
There is a difference between “getting to” and “having to”. The man’s role is an obligation. He MUST daven 3 times a day, join minyan, wear tifilin, etc. whether he wants to or not. Biologically speaking, women’ have babies – can you thnk of anything worse than *having* to daven 3 times each day at set times while caring for a baby? etc
Posted by Nina on August 17, 2009 at 11:50 pm
Part of the issue with the desire of women wanting to fulfil male synagogue roles is that modern American Judaism has cast asside most mitzvot, so all that is left is synagogue ritual. If you take away from a women mikveh, the bracha on seperating challah, lighting candles, plus lot’s of mitzvot that apply equally to BOTH men and women (Shabbos, kashrus, etc) of course she is going to want to be equal in syangogue, because otherwise there is no mark of Jewish identity.
Posted by David on August 26, 2009 at 12:04 pm
My issue is that you clearly find meaning in a life like this, but not everyone does. There are other ways to live a halakhic life where women have a more public leadership roles. I am using the word halakhic as opposed to Orthodox (or even Modern Orthodox), as many people would argue that the way I live my life conforms to neither of the latter two labels. But I don’t do something that doesn’t have a well reasoned halakhic opinion behind it.
I am also not requiring anyone else to find my life religiously fulfilling. I’m simply posing the idea that it isn’t wrong to find a halakhically viable means of not fitting in to the traditional roles.
Posted by Terri on May 9, 2011 at 7:00 pm
Thanks for your comment, Terri, but I’m not exactly sure what you’re referring to when you say “many people would argue that the way I live my life conforms to neither of the latter two labels. But I don’t do something that doesn’t have a well reasoned halakhic opinion behind it.”
I clearly have a public leadership role and am living a halachic life. There are plenty of opportunities for Orthodox women to be teachers and role models without breaking halacha. Also, the word Orthodox is just semantics. In my mind the most important questions are – are you following halacha? is there a mesorah (precedent for doing what you’re doing – which is an important element in halacha) and are you constantly striving and being intellectually honest?
Posted by Allison on May 10, 2011 at 7:54 pm